A Bump In The Road

I'm in a rut.  And maybe not a good one.  My life feels a little chaotic right now with trying to juggle a handful of larger-every-day-life happenings.  I know I'm not the only person who has gone through what I am going through and I know that there are many people who are going through far worse.  But for right now, my life seems like a whirlwind and quite frankly, I'm not enjoying it.  Between working full time, working towards my Professional Certificate (essentially going to school full time--not my choice) and trying to be a full time mom and wife--well, I'm exhausted.  I'm not myself and I don't like it.  I would love to be a wife, mom and teacher--a real teacher and not a number cruncher.

The evil to the majority of my unhappiness...pro-teach.  My profession has become so far removed from the importance and focus of what it really should be about--my students.  Instead, I'm constantly gathering data and writing up bullshit information to please....well, I don't know who.  Whether a teacher is working towards their Professional Certification or not they are still collecting, analyzing, labeling, categorizing and writing up bullshit information. Add pro-teach to that and the work triples.  Guess where my data comes from?  Testing my students.  It's ridiculous!  Ri-dic-u-lous!  Weekly my students are taking 10-plus page tests in multiple subjects.  (Well, they are supposed to, but I try to even it out so they are not taking so many in one day.)  It's absurd!  

Working towards my Professional Certification has pulled me away from the activities that I love doing and people I love.  My students have suffered and Lord knows my family has taken a hit.  My health has been the worst its been in a while.  The added stress of pro-teach has caused a number of lupus flare-ups and I was very sick from November to February. I've been short-tempered with Chad and the kids and I'm thankful they are all forgiving.  I'm grateful for a loving, patient and helpful husband.  Very grateful. 

I try to constantly remind myself that this is a short period of time.  The end of June I will (hopefully) be submitting all my work for a Professional Certificate.  And then I will wait...I will wait a few months before I hear if I passed and have received what I have worked so hard for (again, unwillingly).  If I don't pass then I have to do it all over again.  And, guess what?  I get to do this all over again anyway in five years.  Five years!  (There are not enough expletives to fully explain my frustration.)  I still can't figure out how this process is going to make me a better teacher--a better teacher for my students.  

Let me take a deep breath....I've only got a few more months of pro-teach, my students are flexible and not going without, my husband is fantastic and my sweet babes are healthy and happy.  This is all a small (although feels big) bump in the road.