Today in church we sang a song about the Lord being gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. As I was listening to the worship band and the rest of the congregation sing this song, I couldn't help to think how the past 5 years I have been angry, discouraged and distant from God and my journey of becoming a mom has been challenging, emotionally and physically. Now that God has blessed me with the miracle of being pregnant, I probably haven't been thankful enough...because my heart hasn't been there. Outwardly, I'm excited and happy, but internally I struggle with this daily.
For all the anger and hate that I've had towards God he is still rich in love...for me, for Chad and for our dream of becoming parents. Wow, God is still rich in love. And although I'm thankful, my heart still holds back--so maybe I'm not fully thankful. I have placed distance from the Lord, distance from my baby and probably distance from Chad because of how selfish I am. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to fully believe that my baby is healthy and okay. It's almost as if I am just waiting for God to let me down...again. I feel this way and my God is still gracious and compassionate?
What is wrong with me? Why can't I fully be thankful for what God has given to me/us? Why can't I fully let my heart be happy and delighted that He has blessed us with a healthy baby boy? Why can't I fully forgive God for what he has put me/us through the past 5 years?
After worship, the pastor came to the front of the church and announced that there was going to be a baby dedication. I continued to have tears trickle down my cheeks...I couldn't pull it together. As a couple from our church came forth with their cute little baby boy my first thought was what if we don't ever get to be up front dedicating our baby to the Lord. What if? Why would I even think that? I know our baby is healthy. The doctors are certain and I've seen our little boy with my own eyes. Why can't I be certain? Why can't I let the anger and mistrust go? This particular couple that was dedicating their adorable baby boy have a similar story as Chad and I in trying to start a family. I truly couldn't be happier for this couple.
The other emotions that were stirred today is the guilt of forgetting about our other babies. The babies that were lost and now with the Lord in Heaven. In the midst of trying to be excited and slowly getting more excited about being 5 1/2 months pregnant, I felt guilty for letting our other 3 babies go. Letting them go and knowing that one day I will see them in Heaven, but almost letting them go to the point of forgetting about them because so many great things have been happening with this pregnancy. I have a necklace that a friend made me and on this necklace are the birthstones of our three other babies. Maybe I should wear this more regularly as a reminder that God has and continues to bless me with my dreams of becoming a mom.
He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. I've got a lot to learn from my loving God.
