Greatest Strength

(Warning:  sporadic and emotional post that is all over the place.)

One of my favorite things to do is lay in bed at night and have deep and meaningful conversations with Chad.  Last night was no exception.  I've had a heavy heart for the past...well...3-4 years, but more recently those feelings have been stronger; my heart has been aching, confused and just down right pissed off.

In our conversation last night, Chad shared with me that often great leaders' strength(s) is (are) also their greatness weakness(es).  I'm no great leader, but he continued to share that I have a big heart and this is my greatest strength, but at the same time my greatest weakness.  I question, how could something so good, also be bad?  It doesn't make sense, but it's true.  My heart is huge and I care tremendously for the people in my life and just life occurrences themselves.  I care so much  that it is difficult for me to let things go, put them behind me and move on.

Let me back up and share that this conversation came about because of my presence at a church leader meeting.  I really had no desire to go, but I am a newer life group leader and felt like I needed to.  I've never looked at myself as being a "church leader", but for some reason I was drawn to last night's gathering.  I had very little to share and sat at the meeting trying to hold back tears as I listened to the conversation about where our church has been, where it is right now and where we are going from here.  Good and bad things were shared, and definitely in a positive manner of speaking. 

At the end of this intimate, small group gathering, the pastor asked one final question, "How are you doing?"  Personally, I thought, how am I doing?  Are you kidding me?  I'm not good.  Ironically, I'm sitting at a church leader meeting, my heart is stone cold and I hate God.  Wow. 

It was my turn to share.  Through tears and anger, and yet maybe a little hope, I looked directly at the pastor and told him that for the past 6 months I've wanted to leave the church, and that I was tired of bitching about it so here I sit, at a church leader meeting hating God because of life circumstances...AND...I'm a life group leader.  I don't understand.  My poor pastor and the remainder of the group sat in complete silence and maybe shocked to see this person who, for the most part, always has a smile on her face and is in good spirits on the outside, just crumble. 

My reason for being there...I need their support.  They're going into a spiritual battle for me because my heart is too weak to fight right now.  I'm confused with how my loving God could be withholding from me something I want so badly...a family.  How could my loving God take 3 babies from me?  I am really struggling with this and I just don't understand.  I think we would make excellent parents...does God not see this? 

Through tears I type...wanting a family, trying to understand my loving God and praying that my love for Jesus can be regained. 

A Few of My Favorite Things

I've done this before, but I thought I would do it again mainly because it reminds me of how grateful I should be for everything in my life.  So here goes...a few of my favorite things (in no particular order, except for the first two).

1. Chad...there aren't words to describe how blessed I am for my loving husband
2. my family...I wish we could see them more often
3. my friends....they mean the world to me
4. sunshine
5. hot cocoa with overflowing mini-marshmallows...and then a second heaping handful after they have melted or been eaten off the top
6. camping
7. cooking over the campfire...I'm not talking about roasting hot dogs
8. teaching from the heart
9. laughter coming from little kids
10. running
11. knitting
12. watching documentary films
13. watching foreign films
14. cuddling with Gia
15. laughing with Liam
16. watching Monsters with Aidan
17. walking through downtown Seattle
18. shopping...but finding a good deal, not just shopping
19. University of Idaho
20.  reminiscing about Tri Delta...I miss the girls, the craziness, the chaos and the drama from my sorority
21. I love 6th grade innocent, yet not so innocent sense of humor...they are adorable
22  I enjoy 6th grade student loyalty to their teacher...sorry to all the substitute teachers out there, but 6th grade students are so loyal to their teacher...they just don't want anyone to realize that
23. floating the north fork of the Coeurd'Alene river
24. going on boat rides with Chad's family
25 peanut cruises
26. walking through open air markets or farmer's markets
27. scrapbooking...although I don't do it all that often anymore
28. road trips
29. traveling
30. experiencing different cultures
40. food...I love food from other cultures/countries
41. chocolate...I have a HUGE sweet tooth
42.  banana and almont butter
43. mangos....mango everything actually
44. fresh orange juice...I can't drink any other kind
45. lemonade
46. playing scrabble...I have a deluxe edition...it's sweet
47.  dancing salsa and merengue...although I'm not very good
48. dark beer...especially oatmeal stouts....my favorite is Boundary Bay's Oatmeal Stout
49. girl time...I have multiple smaller circles of girlfriends and I enjoy the time spent with them
50. warm weather...80 degrees or warmer
51. SURVIVOR...it's kind of crazy actually
52. running on the beach at Fort Flagler
53.  Bloomsday
54. purses/bags
55. hats
56. scarves
57. shoes
58. summer bbq's
59. Mariner baseball...especially opening day
60. four-wheeling
61. archery
62. the band Clumsy Lovers...or other music similar to this
63.  hiking
64. tootsie rolls
65. Camp Four Echoes
66. the feeling of new running socks on my feet
67. Spanish language
68. fairs
69. cows...I want a pet cow like Norman from City Slickers
70. Great Danes....they're kind of like cows
71. warm colors....reds, greens browns
72. Shel Silverstein
73. Roald Dahl
74. social networking....okay, really it's Facebooking
75. blackberry picking
76. sitting curbside at parades
77. firework displays
78. camping on the beach
79. trivia
80. cafe con leche...from guatemala...it's not the same here
81. taking pictures...although I'm not the best at it...I just enjoy documenting my life and experiences
82. Chad's sense of humor, patience and hard working determination
83. wine tasting
84. working on the Daily and New York Times crossword with Chad
85. watching Jeopardy
86. coffee dates with Chad
87. Irish pubs
88. tea....all kinds really....well, except for earl grey
89. playing horse shoes
90. scalding hot showers...to the point of my skin turning pink
91. making earings
92. canoeing
93. cute little Girl Scouts selling cookies
94. Girl Scout cookies
95. my Mizuno running shoes
96. HUGS...I'm a hugger and I try to be considerate of others' "bubbles", but it's also fun to pop their bubbles
97. potty talk
98. the way Chad looks at me and smiles when he talks about me
99. Chad's dimples
100. any kind of baby animal...anything in baby form is so incredibly cute

Okay, so my favorites started as a few ideas and then about number 40-something I thought I should continue to 100.  The materialistic items on my list are great, but what I really enjoy are the relationships I share with all the people in my life. 

I'm grateful today.  I need to remember this everyday.

I Am Loved

When he looks at me

I smile and

My heart melts.

I am so blessed.

I love him.

He loves me

With all his heart.

Kennedy School, Portland, Oregon

(Thanks Molly for snapping this picture of the two of us).

Technology Tool

Our technology issues started a couple months ago and after being in and out of "the shop" 3 times, we finally said good-bye to our laptop.  I've been without the technology tool to keep up with my blogging and store my pictures and it's been driving me nuts.  Possibly a rhetorical question, but honestly, what did I do prior to my laptop?  How did I keep up with the world (thank you Facebook)? Store my pictures?...

So, here I sit at work longing for my laptop, and instead of using my teacher time wisely I am blogging (about nothing really)...and downloading pictures...I want to share with others through my pictures what has been going on in my life.  It's hard to share when I don't have a place to store my pictures. 

I have hopes of getting a new laptop...hopefully soon.  Until then, my school computer will have to do.

I want to...

...go here.

Or here.

This would do too.

And I want to see this.  I'm not even a soccer fan, but this would be fun.

How great it would be to go dance where they are dancing.

I want to stroll down this street.

A day hike here would be marvelous.

How tasty it would be to eat this...

...and ALL these fresh fruits.

Lucky for me, all of this is one location.

Spain.

Now all I've go to do is figure out how WE can get there.