Greatest Strength

(Warning:  sporadic and emotional post that is all over the place.)

One of my favorite things to do is lay in bed at night and have deep and meaningful conversations with Chad.  Last night was no exception.  I've had a heavy heart for the past...well...3-4 years, but more recently those feelings have been stronger; my heart has been aching, confused and just down right pissed off.

In our conversation last night, Chad shared with me that often great leaders' strength(s) is (are) also their greatness weakness(es).  I'm no great leader, but he continued to share that I have a big heart and this is my greatest strength, but at the same time my greatest weakness.  I question, how could something so good, also be bad?  It doesn't make sense, but it's true.  My heart is huge and I care tremendously for the people in my life and just life occurrences themselves.  I care so much  that it is difficult for me to let things go, put them behind me and move on.

Let me back up and share that this conversation came about because of my presence at a church leader meeting.  I really had no desire to go, but I am a newer life group leader and felt like I needed to.  I've never looked at myself as being a "church leader", but for some reason I was drawn to last night's gathering.  I had very little to share and sat at the meeting trying to hold back tears as I listened to the conversation about where our church has been, where it is right now and where we are going from here.  Good and bad things were shared, and definitely in a positive manner of speaking. 

At the end of this intimate, small group gathering, the pastor asked one final question, "How are you doing?"  Personally, I thought, how am I doing?  Are you kidding me?  I'm not good.  Ironically, I'm sitting at a church leader meeting, my heart is stone cold and I hate God.  Wow. 

It was my turn to share.  Through tears and anger, and yet maybe a little hope, I looked directly at the pastor and told him that for the past 6 months I've wanted to leave the church, and that I was tired of bitching about it so here I sit, at a church leader meeting hating God because of life circumstances...AND...I'm a life group leader.  I don't understand.  My poor pastor and the remainder of the group sat in complete silence and maybe shocked to see this person who, for the most part, always has a smile on her face and is in good spirits on the outside, just crumble. 

My reason for being there...I need their support.  They're going into a spiritual battle for me because my heart is too weak to fight right now.  I'm confused with how my loving God could be withholding from me something I want so badly...a family.  How could my loving God take 3 babies from me?  I am really struggling with this and I just don't understand.  I think we would make excellent parents...does God not see this? 

Through tears I type...wanting a family, trying to understand my loving God and praying that my love for Jesus can be regained.