Hurting, Hopeful Heart

I know I need to move on and I realize it is no longer Christmas, but certain events prior to the holidays have stirred up my current spiritual thoughts and maybe struggles.  I was invited, along with a few other friends, to a Christmas performance at Northshore Baptist Church.  I had absolutely zero hesitation in going to this event due to a few reasons: 1) I enjoy any kind of Christmas show, 2) I was invited by a dear friend, and 3) the additional company and plans for the evening sounded superb.  And as predicted, the night turned out to be filled with great food, fun, and entertainment.  However, what I did not expect was the heartache and empty feeling in my heart as I got in my care and drove home, tears streaming down my face. 

Since that evening I have continued to question why I felt the way I did.  Why the feeling of heartache, lonliness and almost as if something is/was missing continues to linger in my heart?  I'm questioning on whether or not I am getting spiritually fulfilled?  Am I going to church for the right reasons?  Is it time for a change?...The questions continue to build up and I have yet to have any answers.  I know a good place to start is asking God and praying about it, but this is an entirely different challenge in my life right now as well.  I'm fairly certain I know why the emotional feelings consumed me the evening I drove away from Northshore Baptist Church, but the truth I fear.

The truth:  Chad and I have been going to the Rock Church ever since we moved to the Seattle area.  After a few weekends of "church shopping", we finally found a church that welcomed us with open arms, did not have an average age of 90 and was not preparing over-the-top miracles in front of a few thousand people.  Within weeks we knew we had found a new home.  We've been in multiple life groups, volunteered and have established life-lasting relationships with many members of our church.  The truth, I think it's time for a change.  My heart is beating twice the normal speed just thinking about a change.  What does this look like?  What is going to happen? Where will we end up? What relationships will continue and who will slowly trickle out of our every day lives?  And when is this going to happen?  The change may take place at our current church or the change may take place elsewhere.  The truth scares me.

I suppose, the first and foremost step in getting past my fears is re-establishing my relationship with Jesus.  I know I've turned away from Him due to life events that I have had no control over nor do I have answers as to why God has taken me down this path.  What I do know is I have a loving God who is always there for me...that's where I will start....my heart is hopeful.