Today just happens to be one of those days. One of those days that I would like to push deep inside and not think about. I want it to go away, but apparently it's not supposed to. I suppose it's God's way of letting me know that I'm not in control and He is. That I need to depend on, talk to and give everything to Him. How difficult this is and how mad this makes me.
It's not a mystery or suprise to anyone that my heart desires to be a mom. I've already lost two and I don't want to lose any more. I fear this. I fear this greatly. I just have so much anger today. Anger towards God. Anger towards life's circumstances. Anger and hate. I want this to go away too. I'm not an angry or hateful person, but today I feel this way.
Why can't I be a mom? I know that there are many women who face the challenge of getting pregnant, but today that doesn't make my situation any easier. Today I'm selfish and only thinking about me. Why me? Why has God not allowed me to be a mom yet? Why are we challenged again with not being able to start a family? I'm tired of waiting. I don't want to be patient anymore. I want my own. I want to be a mom.
I'm also challenged with so many friends around me who are pregnant, having babies, or those that already have families. Honestly, I'm jealous. Very jealous...then sad and angry again.
I don't understand. I guess I'm not supposed to. Maybe that's what God is trying to tell me too.
I hope tomorrow is a better a day.
I hope one day I can be a mom.
5 comments:
oh, robin. my heart breaks for you. let me share this load with you...let me be there for you. feel whatever you're feeling. i'm always, always here. i love you.
tears for you. i love you and am sad for you. please know i am here for you.
I finally just read this. Thank you so much for being so open and honest and for sharing your true heart. It is such an inspiration to me--as so many people are unwilling/unable to really share their hearts.
I continue to pray that God blessed you with children here on earth, for you are already a great mom. I wish I could take this burden from you...
Love you Robin. Miss you...He promises to heal the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds...and I know that He will do that for you.
Oh Robin... my heart just breaks for you and Chad. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and wondering how you were doing. I know I've been horrible about keeping in touch. It's unfortunate that I've let life get in the way of keeping in touch with my friends. I was just catching up on your blog tonight... I'm wondering if some of the tummy troubles you've been having are somehow tied in with this. Maybe this is nature's way of telling you that your body isn't ready yet. I don't know how open you are to homeopathic/hollistic approaches to things, but there's a fabulous doc in Kent I used to go to... I think he's still in practice. Let me know if you want his name. I know nothing can take away your pain. Just know that you have so many friends who love you and who are thinking of you, even if we don't tell you often enough! Hugs!!
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