A Content Heart

it's unlike me to post more than once in a week and especially unlike me to post without any photos. however, the past hour or so i have spent my time reading friends' blogs and enjoying the "realness" of who they are. i find it interesting that when written on paper (or now days, typed in blogs), it often seems so much easier to share an abundance of information and pour one's heart out. thus, i've decided to do the same and particularly because today i have a small sense of sadness, yet an overwhelming feeling of peace in my heart.

i've realized that in the last year and a half i'm the type of person that pushes feelings of pain and sadness deep into the walls of my heart. then when those feelings of pain and sadness try to escape (because it's healthy and normal) i try even harder to keep them in. today, with a sad yet peaceful heart, i share the depth of my heart.

almost a year and a half ago, chad and i lost a baby. i had just passed the 3 month "scare" and the word had already spread quickly that we were going to have a baby. i can't even begin to describe the pain i felt and the hate i had for god. with every ounce of my being, i tried to figure out why god would allow for something so horrible to happen. i continued to question god, his love for me, and my faith. with the support of amazing friends at my church and others who have had a miscarriage, i felt comforted. i was still so very angry and as time went by i continued to be angry, but i didn't know at what or who. after reading books about miscarriages, talking to other women about it, and pouring all my emotions to my close friends and small group, i slowly began to let go of my anger and accept that i can not fully understand why god has had me walk down the path that he has taken me. without any question, my heart is sad, yet definitely at peace about the loss of our first child.

well, god has a sick sense of humor. almost exactly one year later from the first miscarriage (about 4 months ago), we lost our second baby. when i first found out i was pregnant i was terrified, but i was also angry at myself for allowing myself to get pregnant again. i just didn't feel like i was emotionally and physically ready. in every way possible i tried to stay as emotionally detached from my baby as i could. there was no way that i would be able to go through another loss of a child; therefore, it seemed easier for me to not get attached and have that strong feeling of "love" towards my baby. just as i began to warm up to the idea, everything took a turn for the worse. i ended up in the er and hospital overnight do to excessive bleeding. I knew instantly what was going on and i was pissed at myself for getting attached. then i was angry at myself for ever thinking that i didn't want the baby. i continued to question myself over and over, what kind of mom would not want their own child? do i really deserve to be a mom? through much heartache, shared conversations with two amazing women (julie and molls), and shared tears with a good friend, michelle, the pain in my heart got easier to deal with.

today, i let it go. i let all the pain, sadness and doubt leave me. i know that god loves me. he is an amazing god. for unknown reasons, he has had me take the steps that i have taken. one day i will know why, but until then i will continue to think up my own story. my story is that when our first baby went to heaven god loved that baby's presence so much that he wanted another one just like it. he also wanted our first baby to have a sibling to play with. i now can smile through tears of joy and a content heart that i have two babies sitting next to an amazing god in heaven.

thank you to all my friends and family for being supportive. my heart is filled with happiness and thankfulness for my close friends who have helped me through this. i am definitely blessed.