These Are A Few of My Not-So-Favorite Things...

For the most part I have absolutely enjoyed every minute of being pregnant.  I think this is true partly because it has taken a lot of work to get to where we are and I really have enjoyed being pregnant.  Even through the morning sickness, which there are days still, I just smile because its just another sign that all is right in Herm's world.

However, there has been a few small things that I haven't enjoyed as much...

• I miss my clothes or at least a variety of things to wear.  Sounds materialistic, I know.
• I miss eating seafood.  I know I could eat it, but the thought of even being near the smell of it stirs up nausea.
• I miss deli sandwiches.  The one thing my doctor---whom, I love--said I should avoid...everything else she said to take in moderation.
• I miss sleeping on my stomach.
• I miss winter beer...although I've stolen a couple sips here and there, its just not the same.
• I wish my winter coat fit; however, I do like that Herm sticks out to stay "hello" to the world.
• I really don't enjoy the bloody noses, or all the extra snot and phlegm--every morning.
• Although funny, I wish when I sneezed I didn't pee my pants just a little...every time. Which I understand this doesn't go away.  Ever.
• I could do without the leg cramping and I'm sure Chad could do without the bloody screaming in the middle of the night when the cramp takes over my entire lower body...or at least that's what it feels like.
• Heartburn?  I think that is just beginning.
• I don't think I would mind the constant urge to have to pee, but as a teacher this is challenging.

I'm not complaining.  Really.  These are just a few things that have changed in my life in the past 7-10 days of the pregnancy.  

Oh. And the hairy belly?  I actually don't mind it.  I'm kind of fascinated it by it.  I also don't mind Herm's new burrowing action.  Or at least that is what it feels like...as if he is trying to escape.

Pregnancy is such an odd, mysterious, fascinating and miraculous occurrence.  

Frequent Stop-ins

I'd really like to think that I blog more frequently than I do, but the reality of it is...I don't.  I enjoy blogging because it is a great outlet for my emotions and thoughts.  I don't even care if anyone is reading my blog...I just enjoy "journaling"...if you will.  I would like to be more than just a frequent stop-in to my blog, but for now my blog will have to get the attention that it gets.

When I found out I was pregnant (again) I decided to start a separate blog for the baby (http://weebabymoon.blogspot.com/) and I'm glad I did.  It's been a great way for me to connect to the baby because in the beginning I was afraid to get too attached for fear of losing him.  I thought I would share a few things that I have enjoyed about being pregnant...

• hearing the baby's heartbeat
• happily sharing great news with people that love us (the love is overwhelming, by the way)
• feeling the healthiest I have felt in a long time
• my hair is thick...really thick...thicker than usual
• not feeling guilty about eating a fudgesicle oh so frequently (or maybe two in one sitting)
• honestly...enjoying regular bowel movements 
• sharing the excitement with my kids at school...it's so fun to see how excited they get
• talking to Gia (niece) about the baby and seeing that look of excitement-amazement-wonderment in her eyes
• knowing that God is taking care of me and the baby (this has been challenging, but I know He is there)
• nightly talks with Chad about how we are going to parent...and the many things we laugh about because we have absolutely no clue 
• eating homemade bean burritos for breakfast (almost every day)
• napping...and not feeling guilty about it
• slowing my life down...and enjoying every minute of it
• feeling the baby move...I can't explain the miracle-feeling of this...I don't want to take this for granted
• again...the heartbeat...that precious, little sound of life

These are only a few that come to mind right away.  I'm sure there are more.

I need to be better about blogging...Here's a picture of me at 24 weeks.  I may or may not have popped a button on my jacket.  Oops.  

Gracious and Compassionate

(Forewarning: an emotional pregnant woman is writing this post...it's long and all over the place.)

Today in church we sang a song about the Lord being gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  As I was listening to the worship band and the rest of the congregation sing this song, I couldn't help to think how the past 5 years I have been angry, discouraged and distant from God and my journey of becoming a mom has been challenging, emotionally and physically.  Now that God has blessed me with the miracle of being pregnant, I probably haven't been thankful enough...because my heart hasn't been there.  Outwardly, I'm excited and happy, but internally I struggle with this daily.  

For all the anger and hate that I've had towards God he is still rich in love...for me, for Chad and for our dream of becoming parents.  Wow, God is still rich in love.  And although I'm thankful, my heart still holds back--so maybe I'm not fully thankful.  I have placed distance from the Lord, distance from my baby and probably distance from Chad because of how selfish I am.  I don't want to get hurt again.  I don't want to fully believe that my baby is healthy and okay.  It's almost as if I am just waiting for God to let me down...again.  I feel this way and my God is still gracious and compassionate?

What is wrong with me?  Why can't I fully be thankful for what God has given to me/us?  Why can't I fully let my heart be happy and delighted that He has blessed us with a healthy baby boy?  Why can't I fully forgive God for what he has put me/us through the past 5 years?  

After worship, the pastor came to the front of the church and announced that there was going to be a baby dedication.  I continued to have tears trickle down my cheeks...I couldn't pull it together.  As a couple from our church came forth with their cute little baby boy my first thought was what if we don't ever get to be up front dedicating our baby to the Lord.  What if?  Why would I even think that?  I know our baby is healthy.  The doctors are certain and I've seen our little boy with my own eyes.  Why can't I be certain?  Why can't I let the anger and mistrust go?  This particular couple that was dedicating their adorable baby boy have a similar story as Chad and I in trying to start a family.  I truly couldn't be happier for this couple.  

The other emotions that were stirred today is the guilt of forgetting about our other babies.  The babies that were lost and now with the Lord in Heaven.  In the midst of trying to be excited and slowly getting more excited about being 5 1/2 months pregnant, I felt guilty for letting our other 3 babies go.  Letting them go and knowing that one day I will see them in Heaven, but almost letting them go to the point of forgetting about them because so many great things have been happening with this pregnancy.  I have a necklace that a friend made me and on this necklace are the birthstones of our three other babies.  Maybe I should wear this more regularly as a reminder that God has and continues to bless me with my dreams of becoming a mom.  

He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  I've got a lot to learn from my loving God. 

So Many Emotions...

This morning I awoke feeling okay.  I felt like it was going to be a good day.  Usual routines occurred and all was going well.  I had a feeling to check Facebook, which I find odd, because I generally leave my Facebook stalking to the evening.  However, this morning was different...

I came across a post from a friend and it read, " The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21.

My heart immediately sank to my stomach and my chest felt heavy.  My eyes instantly filled with tears and the worst thought crossed my mind...something's not right...she's lost her baby.

I can't explain the feelings that rushed through me...possibly a combination of hate, anger and fear.  Everything that I have felt in the past due to our three losses overcame me.  I couldn't stop crying.  I try to understand, but I can't.  I may never understand.  I wish I could accept that, but it's difficult.  I want to know "why".

I'm 4 months, 2 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting).  I was beginning to feel comfortable.  Feeling as if everything is going to be okay.  As those feelings rushed over me this morning, it made me question, "Am I going to be okay?", "Is my baby going to be okay?", "Why, God, WHY?"  "Why does someone else have to endure the pain of loss?"  He makes me so angry.  Furious.  I was just gaining trust in the Lord and I feel like the news this morning pushed me further away rather than drawing me closer to Him.  I'm on guard...stepping back and distancing myself...not completely, but a little bit.

My friend is strong, unbelievably strong.  She continues to trust in the Lord even after He has taken something away from her.  I pray that I can be more like her, strong like her, and continue to trust in the Lord like her.  I also pray that the Lord will carry her and her husband through this loss, bring them closer together and surround them with those that love them.

It's been a very long and emotional day.  Let's hope tomorrow is better.

Hello?

Hello.  It's been a while.  I've been a little preoccupied...a new house, teaching at a new school and a new grade, AND we have a baby on the way.  Thus, my time and my mind has been a little preoccupied.  It's mid October! Wait a second...it's already mid October?

Quick updates...

1. Found out I was pregnant the 3rd week in July.
2. Found out I got a job teaching 5th grade the same day I found out I was pregnant. (Talk about an emotional day.)
3. Teaching at my former school, Peter Kirk.  Love it!
4. Started another blog where I share thoughts about this pregnancy.  
5. Slowly let family and close friends know we were having a baby.
6. School started...September and October are always busy.
7. Let the principal know about the baby....she was elated. 
8. The rest of the staff found out a couple weeks later...they couldn't believe it beings that Kirk has had 5 babies in less than a year.
9. First trimester I was an emotional wreck...so, so, SO glad I am past that.  Well, still a little emotional, but not that emotional.
10. Shared with our church that we were having a baby.
11. Not sure of my 5th graders.
12. Shared with my school-parents that I was having a baby...they were excited, but I think with a little hesitation.
13. Went on a 3-day, 2-night adventure with 75 5th graders and a few other teachers.  Crazy?  Yes.  Did we have a lot of fun?  Absolutely!
14. Incredibly exhausted from camp.
15. Road trip to Prosser-Moscow-Prosser for Idaho Homecoming.  Lame game, but fun to be back in Moscow and run into friends.
16. Still recuperating from camp, but had to keep pushing forward.
17. Conferences...ugh!
18. Into second trimester...pregnancy "symptoms" kicked up a notch, but extremely happy about this.
19. Ferry ride to Kingston with Barrans to see Toomey's. 
20. Slumber party with the Barrans' babes.
21. Exhausted, but worth every minute.

Life will slow down this week...conferences are coming to an end and fall is officially here.  This means knitting, chai lattes, cozy comforters, football, and our annual fall get away to Fort Flagler.  (Huge sigh of relief.)

If interested in checking out the baby blog here is the link...http://weebabymoon.blogspot.com/

I hope fall will also allow for more time for blogging.

Sending love to all.

Robin