This morning I awoke feeling okay. I felt like it was going to be a good day. Usual routines occurred and all was going well. I had a feeling to check Facebook, which I find odd, because I generally leave my Facebook stalking to the evening. However, this morning was different...
I came across a post from a friend and it read, " The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21.
My heart immediately sank to my stomach and my chest felt heavy. My eyes instantly filled with tears and the worst thought crossed my mind...something's not right...she's lost her baby.
I can't explain the feelings that rushed through me...possibly a combination of hate, anger and fear. Everything that I have felt in the past due to our three losses overcame me. I couldn't stop crying. I try to understand, but I can't. I may never understand. I wish I could accept that, but it's difficult. I want to know "why".
I'm 4 months, 2 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting). I was beginning to feel comfortable. Feeling as if everything is going to be okay. As those feelings rushed over me this morning, it made me question, "Am I going to be okay?", "Is my baby going to be okay?", "Why, God, WHY?" "Why does someone else have to endure the pain of loss?" He makes me so angry. Furious. I was just gaining trust in the Lord and I feel like the news this morning pushed me further away rather than drawing me closer to Him. I'm on guard...stepping back and distancing myself...not completely, but a little bit.
My friend is strong, unbelievably strong. She continues to trust in the Lord even after He has taken something away from her. I pray that I can be more like her, strong like her, and continue to trust in the Lord like her. I also pray that the Lord will carry her and her husband through this loss, bring them closer together and surround them with those that love them.
It's been a very long and emotional day. Let's hope tomorrow is better.
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