So Many Emotions...

This morning I awoke feeling okay.  I felt like it was going to be a good day.  Usual routines occurred and all was going well.  I had a feeling to check Facebook, which I find odd, because I generally leave my Facebook stalking to the evening.  However, this morning was different...

I came across a post from a friend and it read, " The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21.

My heart immediately sank to my stomach and my chest felt heavy.  My eyes instantly filled with tears and the worst thought crossed my mind...something's not right...she's lost her baby.

I can't explain the feelings that rushed through me...possibly a combination of hate, anger and fear.  Everything that I have felt in the past due to our three losses overcame me.  I couldn't stop crying.  I try to understand, but I can't.  I may never understand.  I wish I could accept that, but it's difficult.  I want to know "why".

I'm 4 months, 2 weeks and 1 day (but who's counting).  I was beginning to feel comfortable.  Feeling as if everything is going to be okay.  As those feelings rushed over me this morning, it made me question, "Am I going to be okay?", "Is my baby going to be okay?", "Why, God, WHY?"  "Why does someone else have to endure the pain of loss?"  He makes me so angry.  Furious.  I was just gaining trust in the Lord and I feel like the news this morning pushed me further away rather than drawing me closer to Him.  I'm on guard...stepping back and distancing myself...not completely, but a little bit.

My friend is strong, unbelievably strong.  She continues to trust in the Lord even after He has taken something away from her.  I pray that I can be more like her, strong like her, and continue to trust in the Lord like her.  I also pray that the Lord will carry her and her husband through this loss, bring them closer together and surround them with those that love them.

It's been a very long and emotional day.  Let's hope tomorrow is better.

Hello?

Hello.  It's been a while.  I've been a little preoccupied...a new house, teaching at a new school and a new grade, AND we have a baby on the way.  Thus, my time and my mind has been a little preoccupied.  It's mid October! Wait a second...it's already mid October?

Quick updates...

1. Found out I was pregnant the 3rd week in July.
2. Found out I got a job teaching 5th grade the same day I found out I was pregnant. (Talk about an emotional day.)
3. Teaching at my former school, Peter Kirk.  Love it!
4. Started another blog where I share thoughts about this pregnancy.  
5. Slowly let family and close friends know we were having a baby.
6. School started...September and October are always busy.
7. Let the principal know about the baby....she was elated. 
8. The rest of the staff found out a couple weeks later...they couldn't believe it beings that Kirk has had 5 babies in less than a year.
9. First trimester I was an emotional wreck...so, so, SO glad I am past that.  Well, still a little emotional, but not that emotional.
10. Shared with our church that we were having a baby.
11. Not sure of my 5th graders.
12. Shared with my school-parents that I was having a baby...they were excited, but I think with a little hesitation.
13. Went on a 3-day, 2-night adventure with 75 5th graders and a few other teachers.  Crazy?  Yes.  Did we have a lot of fun?  Absolutely!
14. Incredibly exhausted from camp.
15. Road trip to Prosser-Moscow-Prosser for Idaho Homecoming.  Lame game, but fun to be back in Moscow and run into friends.
16. Still recuperating from camp, but had to keep pushing forward.
17. Conferences...ugh!
18. Into second trimester...pregnancy "symptoms" kicked up a notch, but extremely happy about this.
19. Ferry ride to Kingston with Barrans to see Toomey's. 
20. Slumber party with the Barrans' babes.
21. Exhausted, but worth every minute.

Life will slow down this week...conferences are coming to an end and fall is officially here.  This means knitting, chai lattes, cozy comforters, football, and our annual fall get away to Fort Flagler.  (Huge sigh of relief.)

If interested in checking out the baby blog here is the link...http://weebabymoon.blogspot.com/

I hope fall will also allow for more time for blogging.

Sending love to all.

Robin