A Content Heart

it's unlike me to post more than once in a week and especially unlike me to post without any photos. however, the past hour or so i have spent my time reading friends' blogs and enjoying the "realness" of who they are. i find it interesting that when written on paper (or now days, typed in blogs), it often seems so much easier to share an abundance of information and pour one's heart out. thus, i've decided to do the same and particularly because today i have a small sense of sadness, yet an overwhelming feeling of peace in my heart.

i've realized that in the last year and a half i'm the type of person that pushes feelings of pain and sadness deep into the walls of my heart. then when those feelings of pain and sadness try to escape (because it's healthy and normal) i try even harder to keep them in. today, with a sad yet peaceful heart, i share the depth of my heart.

almost a year and a half ago, chad and i lost a baby. i had just passed the 3 month "scare" and the word had already spread quickly that we were going to have a baby. i can't even begin to describe the pain i felt and the hate i had for god. with every ounce of my being, i tried to figure out why god would allow for something so horrible to happen. i continued to question god, his love for me, and my faith. with the support of amazing friends at my church and others who have had a miscarriage, i felt comforted. i was still so very angry and as time went by i continued to be angry, but i didn't know at what or who. after reading books about miscarriages, talking to other women about it, and pouring all my emotions to my close friends and small group, i slowly began to let go of my anger and accept that i can not fully understand why god has had me walk down the path that he has taken me. without any question, my heart is sad, yet definitely at peace about the loss of our first child.

well, god has a sick sense of humor. almost exactly one year later from the first miscarriage (about 4 months ago), we lost our second baby. when i first found out i was pregnant i was terrified, but i was also angry at myself for allowing myself to get pregnant again. i just didn't feel like i was emotionally and physically ready. in every way possible i tried to stay as emotionally detached from my baby as i could. there was no way that i would be able to go through another loss of a child; therefore, it seemed easier for me to not get attached and have that strong feeling of "love" towards my baby. just as i began to warm up to the idea, everything took a turn for the worse. i ended up in the er and hospital overnight do to excessive bleeding. I knew instantly what was going on and i was pissed at myself for getting attached. then i was angry at myself for ever thinking that i didn't want the baby. i continued to question myself over and over, what kind of mom would not want their own child? do i really deserve to be a mom? through much heartache, shared conversations with two amazing women (julie and molls), and shared tears with a good friend, michelle, the pain in my heart got easier to deal with.

today, i let it go. i let all the pain, sadness and doubt leave me. i know that god loves me. he is an amazing god. for unknown reasons, he has had me take the steps that i have taken. one day i will know why, but until then i will continue to think up my own story. my story is that when our first baby went to heaven god loved that baby's presence so much that he wanted another one just like it. he also wanted our first baby to have a sibling to play with. i now can smile through tears of joy and a content heart that i have two babies sitting next to an amazing god in heaven.

thank you to all my friends and family for being supportive. my heart is filled with happiness and thankfulness for my close friends who have helped me through this. i am definitely blessed.

Good Times at the Cabin in Idaho

The past couple of weeks I spent time in Idaho and on the weekends Chad came to visit and have fun with his family at the cabin. Chad absolutely loves spending time there. While there we spent most of our time down at the water playing cards or other games, swimming, fishing, jet skiing, boating, and peanut cruising. The following pics are brief captures of the moments shared at the cabin. Hopefully we'll be able to take another trip that way this summer.

This is Chad's youngest sister, Teagan, and her fiance, Kurt. It had been a few week's since they had seen each other because Kurt has already moved down to Eugene, where they will be relocating after they get married. Kurt suprised Teags this weekend and showed up at the cabin early one morning. It was great to see how excited they both were to see one another and it was fun having Kurt around the cabin.

Jason (Chad's brother-in-law) and Coleman soaking up the sun after swimming.

A "peanut cruise" at it's best.

For those unfamiliar with what a "peanut cruise" is, it's when we take the small boat out in the late afternoon/ealy evening for a very slow cruise up and down the river drinking a beverage of choice (usually a beer) and eating shelled peanuts. I personally enjoy peanut cruises because it gives everyone a time to talk about their days and just catch up on what's been going on. It's also very relaxing.

This peanut cruise Coleman was the captain of the ship and driving everyone in circles. It was great!

Grandpa (Chad's dad, Bob) playing with Coleman in his hydroplane.

Chad's mom, Sonja, fishing from the dock.

Our nephew, Coleman, playing with his water gun. How much fun it was to get to see and play with him.

Weekend at Dad and Debbie's

I spent a weekend at Dad and Debbie's and enjoyed seeing Ryan again and meeting Tom. I took Ruger with me for the weekend and we had a blast. We had fun floating the river, watching movies, playing endless games of cribbage and scrabble and enjoying the time together as a family. It was a nice relaxing wekeend.

This pic is of Ruger in the lower field.

Chef Ryan and Dad toast to the "captain".

Dad and I enjoyed a couple games of cribbage. I think Dad had beginner's luck because he won all the games we played.

Debbie and her boys, Ryan and Tom.

Ryan and I couldn't pass up a photo opportunity with our "hollywoods".

Ruger came with me for the weekend up to Dad and Debbie's house. He was such a good dog! This pic was taken in the lower field by the river.

Quick "brotherly" photo before they head to the airport.

4th of July at the Cabin

The 4th of July is our favorite holiday and there isn't any better way to spend the fourth than at Chad's parents' cabin in Post Falls, Idaho. We spent a couple of days riding jet skis, kayaking, swimming, eating and drinking a ton, and enjoying time with family. Usually we head up the river to watch the Coeurd'Alene fireworks from the boat; however, this year we watched the first annual fireworks out of Post Falls. What an enjoyable 4th of July we had!

Chad loves his sister Teagan.

Bob helped the youngest with his marshmallow.

The boys are concentrating very hard on their marshmallows.

The neighbor kids came over to have their second round of s'mores. They had already enjoyed s'mores at their own house, but came over to hang out around Bob and Sonja's campfire.

Teags and I sitting around the campfire.

I absolutely love hanging out around the campfire at the cabin.

Chad and his dad together tried to squeeze in as many jet ski rides as they could.

Anderson Ranch Camping

Chad and I headed out for a long journey to southern Idaho for a short, yet fun family camping trip. For as long as I can remember my family has made the annual trek to Anderson Ranch for good times, laughs and friendship rekindling with family friends in southern Idaho. My last trip to Anderson Ranch was when I was 16, so I was especially looking forward to seeing everyone. The camping has changed as everything is more geared towards the abundance of kids present. Every year now there is a theme and this year it happened to be a pirate theme. The fun included dressing like a pirate, talking like a pirate, scavenger hunts, a pirate pinata, and a pirate potluck. In addition to the "pirating" around camp, we enjoyed swimming in the river, playing endless games of volleyball, relaxing around the campfire, sitting in natural hotsprings in the evenings, and just enjoying the time together. I hope that Chad and I can return to Anderson Ranch years to follow.

Here are Chad and Eric are enjoying a camping moment with appetizers, beer and good company.

Here's a pic of mom and I cooling off down at the river. I was in love with the weather while camping...HOT and SUNNY! In the evenings we would also trek down to the water to sit in the natural hot springs and pass the bottle around of mom's homemade sangria. Delicious!

How lucky I am to have my very own pirate. He looks friendly for a pirate and quite possibly a gay one too. I think Seattle might be rubbing off on him a little too much. He's a keeper, that's for sure!

On our way home we stopped at Castle Rock for a photo opportunity. This area overlooks a valley in southern Idaho. Gorgeous!

Even though the trip home was a painfully long process (11 hours traveling in over 100 degree weather, numerous flats, cramped riding conditions, and worries of homework completion) smiles still remained on faces. By this point, Eric and Chad were pros at changing flat tires on the trailer. I do believe they should submit applications to be a part of a pit crew for the Indy 500.

All in all the trip was fun and well worth every minute! I think we both look forward to future camping trips at Anderson Ranch.